Fear

Posted: June 12, 2011 in Emerson Challenge

‘Sometimes a brave soul, desiring immortality, turns back and finds himself’ ~ The Upanishads

—–

Now Do. The Thing. You Fear.

NO!

—–

Sober maybe six months, after a 13 yr investigation of avoidance, and I find myself in a space of reflective questioning. All along since that day this was easier than I thought. A few weeks in an I am walking through downtown Sydney, George St. cinema strip, Sunday morning and something, some thing, not quite right. New concentration, new trust, it came almost easily, immediately.

People … what is wrong with these people; THAT thought, that scurrilous rodent, that ever present itch, was absent. Where was she, Queen of my dark world. Where is my condemnation of all, their little lives imploding passively, unnoticed, while mine in judgement and understanding towered, towers above showering guilt and glory. She absented herself without permission and a decade on is still … yes … still, is what She is.

We sit in the cafe, Elizabeth St. this time, after class and we talk. Whys, whats etc.. I am so proud of myself, having an audience and and the lucidity of conversation. One year, let’s celebrate. These are thoughts. They spin. In order to shout out once again: I survived. One year. We will recognise this One Year Anniversary with … I know, a tattoo, something deep, meaningful, some pattern on my shoulder, my calf. Mind does its stuff so; two years, let’s, lets jump out of a plane, parachute open, screaming in joy, down, witless, exhilarated, yes let’s. And Year Three while we caffeine spin, how about blond, bleach blond, platinum, surfer dude at forty. Yes let’s do that as well. Each a celebration of another year survived, alive, thriving. Yes!

The fear came unexpectedly. As I spoke of these things I was waylaid by my companion, who jumped in ahead of me and said; let me guess, you are going to jump out of a plane, the end of the sentence matching my change of mood exactly, a downward spiral. Was this so obvious here? A celebration. An overcoming of fear, of a little life. What did they expect me to do. Mind spun once again, clear this time, more clear, adult even. I have proved myself countless times in my life, to myself, to my own high standards and to my eternal content. I did not need some teenage superhero antics to celebrate my life. I still do not.

My life, every last blaze and shadow, every fall, every cry, every last gasp of beauty, is a celebration … now, as it was then!

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Emerson Challenge Day # 12

http://ralphwaldoemerson.me/lachlan-cotter

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